|The Mindless Dating Game - Happiness or Heartbreak |
unmarried people these days search for “love” in a series of premarital
relationships, which far from yielding happiness, lead to nothing but spiritual
degeneration, loss of self-respect, heartache and misery.
With average girl reaches the age of ten or eleven, she - sometimes with the
knowledge of her parents, sometimes without their knowledge - becomes engrossed
in and obsessed with the teen romance novel: a blonde, blue-eyed girl, with a
perfect size 10 figure, falls in love with the football hero of the school, a
few complications on the way (nothing major, of course), but things end happily
In these novels, girl and boy might hold hands, or there might even be a kiss,
thrown in somewhere along the line.
By the time the impressionable reader of these novels reaches her late teens,
she is sick of these story lines...and is searching for more.
And is most cases, “more” is usually available right there in her home, tucked
away at the bottom of her mother’s cupboard, in the form of adult romance
The holding hands, and the kissing has now made way for much more, as details of
pre-marital passion, and the fulfilment thereof are graphically spelt out on
The reader is told what the “perfect body” is supposed to look like, the notion
that sexual intercourse before marriage is sweet and romantic seeps through
these pages...the feelings of degradation, and the many possible consequences
thereof are conveniently left out.
A fairy tale is a fairy tale, we tell ourselves, a book is a book...they have no
implications on real life.
Surely our daughters understand and accept this...
But we are deluding ourselves. These same “harmless” fairytales and books, have
a detrimental effect on the thinking, lifestyles and attitudes of our children.
The first “crush”/infatuation our daughters experience in relation to members of
the opposite sex, is often linked to false perceptions about “dating,”
perceptions to which a wide variety of factors contribute.
And one of the main factors painting a sugar and candy image of pre-marital
romances, are these shallow bits of reading material that our daughters are
It is no strange co-incidence that girls grow up believing that a boyfriend is
the key to happiness...after all they have barely started walking, when the
stories of the poor ill-treated Cinderella, saved only by a dashing prince, and
the beautiful Snow White woken up by a prince, and the doomed Rapunzel, saved
from the tower by...who else - a dashing hero, are told to them.
And when they read romance novels, this theory is further reinforced - for, in
the classic teen romance novel, the girl without a boyfriend, or “sweet sixteen
and never been kissed” is the poor, laughing stock, who doesn’t have a date to
And on the pages of a typical adult romance novel, the heroine is always a
successful, beautiful career woman, but, she feels, that “something” is lacking
in her life...and that “something” is naturally a man.
It is improbable that the average teenager, would just read these books, and
that there would be no impact on her mind.
It is usually exactly the opposite: she wishes she was the person on the pages
of the book, and transfers her fantasies to her real life.
She might see someone at school, who is popular, and good-looking [i.e. the
football hero], and so begins her first painful crush, which is accompanied of
course, by sending him anonymous ‘Valentine’s Day' cards, or calling him and
playing songs over the phone.
Shaitaan has set his trap, and the temptation to sin heightens, and each time
the temptation is given in to, the girl becomes more daring.
By the time the boy “asks her out,” her nafs has gotten the better of her, and
her head filled with the notions of how sweet holding hands before that first
kiss must be, she cannot resist.
And so begins a “relationship.”
But this has all the ingredients that a classic romance novel does not....for
those candy-coated pages do not tell you about the heartbreak, the tears, the
mood swings and the countless negative aspects that are the central to these
relationships and they do not tell you about the degradation and the loss of
self-respect, with which people, especially women, emerge, after these
For there is no peace, no tranquillity in such relationships. The daily cycle,
the moods, everything about the individual is affected.
There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart, and
this restlessness affects the rest of the family too.
For it is now that all the arguments with the parents start: “Why can’t I go out
tonight? All my friends are going?” And there are the mood swings, the
fluctuating eating habits...if the phone doesn’t ring, then it’s a case of “I
don’t feel like eating.” And then there is dishonesty...unable to tell her
parents where she really wants to go, she makes the excuse of having to go to
the library to study for tomorrow’s test.
The ending of each relationship is most often marked by a long periods of
torture, in which the girl has to “get over” the boy.
Everyday life becomes a misery...her marks drop, daily moods start to depend on
the current state of her relationship with the boy and many girls, totally
misled by Shaitaan, even make dua for a “reconciliation.”
During this period the girl is ravaged by guilt, because deep down in her heart,
she is aware that what she has done is haraam, and she also feels guilty about
lying to her parents.
If there was a physical aspect to her relationship, then these feelings of guilt
are deeply accentuated and coupled with a total loss of self-respect.
In the worst possible scenario, which is frequently happening, the girl, in an
effort to improve her “self image,” may turn to various other ways...smoking,
clubbing, drinking and drugs...or she may embark on a series of flings just to
make herself feel “special” again.
In short the “relationships” so sweetly portrayed in romance novels, which speak
only of chocolates, flowers and happiness, end right there: on the pages of the
In real life, such relationships lead to nothing but unhappiness and heartache.
For how can there be any real happiness in a “love” inspired by Shaitaan?
This type of “love” far from being pure and sacred falls into the category of
And regarding fornication, Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’aan:
“The woman and man guilty of adultery of
fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move
you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and
the Last Day: And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” [Surah
How can there be any long term happiness in a sin for which the punishment
prescribed is so severe?
But while keeping in mind the above injunction, we should also not despair of
the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala...for we cannot even comprehend the vastness of this
We need to realise and to tell ourselves that there is only temporary
satisfaction of the nafs in a pre-marital relationship. And we need to terminate
any such relationship which we might be involved in, and sincerely make taubah
As difficult as it might be to end such relationships, once we realise and
acknowledge to ourselves that the novels to which we are exposed to from such an
early age are totally based on a kuffaar way of life, which appears to be very
appealing from the outside, but which bears no contentment, no real happiness,
it will in sha Allah, be easy to do so.
In addition to painting a rosy picture of dating, these books also create a very
wrong concept of what the ideal partner should be like. It is obvious that since
they are kuffaar publications, there is no stress on piety, good akhlaaq,
honesty and all the other qualities people should be searching for in a
potential marriage partner. Instead these books promote superficial thinking,
with all their emphasis on “good looks,” “size 10 figures,” “star football
players,” “smart cars,” etc.
Parents should closely monitor the reading material which their children bring
home and should teach their children about the beauty of nikaah.
We should realise, that while it is natural to be embarrassed to discuss such
aspects of Islam with them, it is infinitely better for them, that we impart the
correct knowledge of an Islamic way of life to them, than allow them to acquire
the totally wrong concept of “love” from books, television, movies, and their
friends and environment.
It should be explained to each teenager that the pre-marital relationships, the
engagements, etc to which we attach such a great deal of importance in this
world have nothing but a negative bearing on our lives in the aakhirah.
It should be time and time again instilled into their minds that pre-marital
relationships are a sin...nikaah is an ibaadah.
Allah Ta’ala has Created men and women with natural desires, and He has created
nikaah as an institution in which these desires maybe fulfilled. A nikaah in
which both, husband and wife are striving to fulfill their obligations to Allah
Ta’ala, such a nikaah will be filled with the mutual respect, love and
inevitably, the contentment, which we hopelessly search for in pre-marital
Within the sacred context of a nikaah, in which both parties are obedient to
Allah Ta’ala, and adhere to His Commandments, there can be no room for the loss
of respect, feelings of degradation, etc. which goes hand-in-hand with “going
out” with or “dating” someone.
We should always bear in mind that should we die in the company of a “boyfriend”
or a “girlfriend” or even a “fiancé,” we will be leaving this world, having
spent our last few moments of this life in the company of a non-Mahram.
Article taken (with Thanks) from Askmimam.org