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Abusive Mother and what to do about her?


My mother gives myself and my wife (married 5 years) a lot of grief. She has an extremely wretched personality, goes around the community backbiting my wife and I, slanders and curses in front on my very young children and constantly abuses myself and wife with negative and horrid remarks. I know reading this, it might sound like that there is more to the story, but really there isn't. I have been extremely patient and given her as much as I could given the circumstance. There has come a point where I have to make a decision about letting my wife and children see her. Questions: 1) What are my fundamental fards towards her? 2) What are my wife's fards towards her, if any? 3) Since she is of bad character in front of my children, is it allowed for my wife and I to not take the children over to her house? 4) Is there a fard for my wife to go over her and see her? 5) What are my children's fards towards her, if any?

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

Your responsibility is to obey your mother unless she orders you to do something that is unlawful (haram) or prohibitively disliked (makruh tahriman), or she prevents you from your obligatory (fard), necessary (wajib) and confirmed Sunnah duties. Also, you must respect her, be kind and polite to her and not be abusive to her in any way. This is your duty; hence in doing the above, your responsibility would have been fulfilled.

As far as your wife and children are concerned, there are no obligatory religious duties on them with regards to your mother. However, they must respect your mother and not be abusive to her in any manner.

As far as your distressing situation is concerned, you should try and explain to your mother that her abuse is completely unacceptable and a grave sin. However, make sure that you yourself donít be abusive to her in retaliation. Use the medium of other family members and friends in order to explain to her.

Remember, the rewards of being patient are immense. It is an easy way for you to reap the rewards of the hereafter. Many times, people have to struggle and work hard to receive a reward, and here you are that without having to do anything, the angels are recording for you rewards in abundance due to your patience on your motherís verbal abuse. It is an easy ticket for entering Jannah. You should also study the relevant verses of the Qurían and the Ahadith with regards to patience (sabr). Ponder over the trials, tribulations and physical and verbal abuse the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) encountered.

Remember, your mother not fulfilling her duties does not mean that you can forgo her rights. You do what you have to do and let Allah Most High take care of the rest. It may be so that Allah Almighty wants you to gather rewards of the hereafter without having to struggle hard for it. Whatever your mother says to you, take it in from one ear and out from the other.

Another good way is to make dua for your mother. Scholars state that one should try oneís best to make dua for parents after every ritual prayer without fail. Ask Allah Most High to guide her and remove her evil ways from her.

Having said that, it does not mean you and your wife should sit there all day listening to her abuse and slander. You can take the necessary means to avoid this. Your wife and children do not have to visit your mother, so you can restrict their visit to a very minimum, such as on Eid days, etc. You can say to your mother that unless she is willing to change her ways, your wife would not be able to come and visit her. This may also prove to be a deterrent to her abusive slandering. However, your wife must also make sure that she is not abusive in return, for that is not the Islamic concept.

In conclusion, your wife has no obligatory responsibilities on her with regards to your mother, hence she does not have to visit or take care of her. Your responsibility is to obey her, respect her and take care of her, even if she is bad to you. The reward for doing this is something that will only be comprehensible in the hereafter. May Allah Most High make matters easy for you, Insha Allah.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK.

Article taken (with Thanks) from Daruliftaa

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